Gift of life

It seems like only a lucky few are privy to life. Really living, not mearly existing.

As we are born, we are given a gift of life. God graces us with this gift because He thinks us worthy. As todlers, this gift gives us hours of entertainment. Learning in bounces and leaps and sometimes falls and scrapes. But we live life to the fullest and everything amaizes us.

Then we become teenagers. We stop seeing the world and life as a wonder and a gift. Our priorities change and our sences grinds to a halt. We seem to be in agony. Its hard to get up in the morning, we rebel against everything. We become over dramatic, over sensitive and selfish. We cocoon oursleves into a zombilike state and pour oursleves into nothingness. Caring only about oursleves. Life is hard and unforgiving, unfair and SO NOT worth the hassles. We cannot wait to grow up so that we can stop following the rules thrust apon us by our unloving parents. Then we can go out, do what we want and say what we want. Screw everyone! If only we knew then what we know now.

Teenage hormones forgotten, we grow up into healthy young adults. FINALLY! What an amaizing time of our lives! We get to make our own decisions (not always the wizest, but our own nevertheless), drive our own cars (which our uncaring parents bought....I might have been a little harsh about that statement *shy face*), we can go out with friends till all hours of the morning, we don't even have to come home. Clubbing, trying new things (some good, some bad). We are so caught up in ourselves and the future just waiting to be discovered, we have long forgotten the gift entrusted to us. Some of us will not live long enough to see the future, this stage of our lives we seem to be wreckless and we seem invinsible. What can go wrong? We take every day for granted. Having eyes but not seeing. Having ears but not hearing.

From here on end, the years start to fly by. Between building a career and raizing a family there is not much time to ponder the gifts of life, only the survival of your small little family that you struggled so hard to protect all these years. You can sometimes catch glimpses of the gift you forgot about long ago, in the joyfull faces of your small children, but it slips away to soon.

We grow old, some graciously, some not so much. Some of us have lost our partners and are left with our memories of when we were invinsible. All the regrets and heartache of things not experienced. Now we see our children and grandchildren and pray that they will be spared the hardships you had to endure along the way.

And then one day our eyes open to the truth. We realize that we had a wonderous gift. We missused and abused it, took it for granted. We did not SEE life. We mearly existed from one stage of our lives to the next. NOW we SEE and we wish for more time to appreciate life. But alas, time waits for no man. So one sad day, we will not be opening our eyes to the beauty of this life and be gone from this earth.

Do not let your gift fade away amidst the hardships of life. Appreciate your gift and live life to the fullest. Everyday is a miracle. LOOK and you will SEE. Be still for  moment everyday, and you will see, there IS enough time in the day to live, enjoy and experience life as it was meant to be.



Will you carry me?
For I have carried you!
I have taken away your pain.
I have wiped away all of your tears.
I've lead you through your world of chaos and brought you safely to the other side.
When you needed help, I came to your aid.
Your eyes told me of your suffering.
They showed me your pain.
You bore your soul to me, and I glimpsed a part of the war within yourself.
Your eyes are swolen, for you have cried for days.
Your laughter has left you, and all that stayed behind was misery and a broken heart.
For you it seemed that your path had nowhere to go.
To you, it was the end of days.
I felt your suffering that day, and I came to you.
To help you up
To brush off the dirt from your clothes
To clean your face
And to comfort you
The day when you saw that there was someone who cared, you regained your will to live.
You found yourself again.
But the day when I was alone inside
The day when I fell apart.
The day when I called for help
I plunged to the ground, and felt a shadow above me.
It was you!
Have you come to aid me?
I reached for you with a flickering of hope, just to be crushed with a stare of disgust.
You turned and walked away, and my hope turned to dust. 
A best friends betrail, can break trust forever.



I was lost. Found myself in the deepest, darkest pit of my formally unsaved soul.
How did I get back here? I have seen the light, I have touched everlasting life. Why am I back here?
Anguished screams from dark corners keeps me awake. Claw marks on the walls of my soul keeps me on edge. Who else was here with me? What did they want? How long have they been here?
No light! I keep searching.... I thought a soul was supposed to be smooth, soft, fragile.....I was wrong!
This place, this soul......MY soul, was rough, blood stained with scratch marks and peeling flesh everywhere. The stench of decay filling my nostrils.
When I woke up in darkness, I did not recognise it as mine, but now it seems familiar. I recognise some of the marks, I made them, clawing at the walls to get out.
Darkness, depression, loneliness......Why am I here!? What have I done wrong? Why Lord, why?
Dark despair falls over me, I can feel the tears falling, my chest burning. It ripps through me.
Just as I thought the despair will devour me whole, I feel a caress. A soft breeze fluttering around me. With it, a faint light.... Hope? My shattered heart and raw soul started to feel it.
In the distance I can see a very faint light moving towards me. As it gets bigger, I get up.
I can feel the warmth of the light thaw out the ice on the walls of my soul. A fluttering of relief wisps past me. I can't quite grasp it with my hand, but my fingertips lightly caresses it.
With the brief touch, a tingling skipped up my arm to find a home in my heart.
The light moving towards me is slowly becoming brighter and brighter. In a few heartbeats so bright that it blinds me. It reaches my toes, moves up my legs, spreading warmth wherever it touches. Wherever the light touched the darkness dissipates.
The darkness, depression and loneliness folds under love, peace and hope.
As the light enfolds me, so does the warmth and love of a familiar presence. I fell to my knees; "Oh God, I thought you have left me!" I cried.
He said lovingly; "I bring you to this place, this minefield of despair, of depression, of hopelessness...your remind you where you come from. To remind you what you've accomplished since then, to remind you that I am your heavenly Father, your God, and NOTHING is impossible for Me. In Me you are saved. In Me you have broken your bondage. In Me you are love. I am God. I will not forsake you. I will always be there to lift you up if only you let Me."



One day he came up to me and introduced himself. I couldn't have 
been more than 2 or 3 years old. I was playing in the lagoon and 
was pushed over by a wave. The water was only about waist deep, 
but I couldn't swim and I couldn't find my way to the surface. 
I caught glimpses of him standing there, looking at me, waiting. 
My very first meeting to my recollection. I was pulled out of the 
water by my aunt. I looked around, searching, but he was not there. 
Was it only my imagination? It was not. Since that incident, he 
became a constant companion. Just out of reach, but always watching,
 As the years went past, he became less important to me. The 
memories of that day faded.
 A couple of years later I saw him again. He was hunched besides a 
bench at the airport, watching me. I got separated from my parents 
and when I spotted them they were already well on their way to the 
parkinglot. I started to run to catch up. Almost just reaching the 
other side of the road, my eyes met his and a car hit me from the 
side. As everybody came rushing to me, all I could do is look at him. 
Finally he got up and disappeared out of my sight. It happened so 
fast, I must have imagined him.
 Many years went by. In those passing years, I saw him several times. 
Every time single time, a family member passed on...or a pet. I 
started associating him with pain, despair and sadness.
 December 2001 was as any other December. Life always went on. I 
started noticing him in the store, in my back yard, at my mom's 
house, at work. A feeling of foreboding went through me. On the 8th 
day I woke and he was sitting on my bed, staring out the window... 
As I heard the music coming from the living room, I knew this day 
would end bad. I made my peace with God and left the day in His 
 That night as the bullet tore through me, he stood the 
passage...his hand on my daughters shoulder. I thought for sure this 
would be my final meeting with him. But he just stood there. As the 
pain set in and the blood rushed out of me, he smiled. I could hear 
a whisper in my head "not your time", but that night, he never left 
my side....waiting...
 That was the last BIG meeting I had with him. Over the next few 
years, he would pop in and out of my life always leaving sadness in 
his wake. I learned to fear what he represented. I started to 
disassociate myself emotionally from people I knew, thinking that it 
would lessen the blow of loosing someone. It did not.
 I am no stranger to death and loss. In the last couple of years I 
have learned to accept death as part of life. I'm not afraid of him 
anymore, only sad. Sad for the people that will be left behind.
 Now, Death, it is my turn.....I am here....waiting...


Geheime Bloedlyn


Vandag van alle dae is vir my baie moeilik. Dit voel soos gister dat ek met trane in my oë na my pa se woorde geluister het. Dit was surreal. Dit het kompleet gevoel soos ‘n droom. Maar voordat ek besef het hy maak nie ‘n grap nie, het die lag in my opgeborrel. Waarvan praat die man tog, bloedlyne wat gemuteer het? Wat is dit? Wat beteken dit tog? Het die oukêrel tog nou finaal sy kop verloor? Maar nadat ek ‘n halfuur gesit en luister het na wat uit sy mond borrel, het ek begin besef, hy praat nie net nie! Hy glo actually wat hy so nonchalant kwyt raak, asof ek dit sommer net so moet glo! Met ‘n misnoeë sug, het hy my vertel dat hy my moet wegstuur vir my eie beskerming. Wat de hel? Hy wil net nie met my puberty deal nie! Dit is 23 November, my verjaarsdag. Veronderstel om ‘n gelukkige dag te wees, ek is veertien, uiteindelik ‘n ware tiener, en nou bars 'n bom rondom my. “Maar wat van my vriende, my skool, my aktiwiteite?” het ek gehuil. Ek het nou-net myself ontdek, wat nou? My pa het net sy kop geskud en gesê, “Jy sal eendag verstaan waarom ek en jou ma jou nou moes wegstuur”. Eendag? Eendag! Watter twak! Hier sit ek nou alweer, 29 vandag, my pa se fantastiese storie lankal in ‘n file agter in my kop gebêre. Ek het letterlik jare laas daaraan gedink. Dit was nie my favourite dag nie, so ek het geleer om dit te vermy. Daai dag was vir my hartseer, want dit is die laaste dag wat ek my ouers gesien het. Met ‘n gebitch, van my kant af, het hulle my in ‘n dogters skool gesit, in die hope dat hŭlle my kan leer hoe om soos ‘n dame op te tree. Etlike weke daarna, het ek ‘n boodskap, via die skoolhoof, ‘n dierbare vrou wat oor die jare vir my soos ‘n tweede ma geword het, gekry dat my ouers in ‘n motorongeluk omgekom het, terwyl hulle by die kus was vir . . . . ek kan nie rêrig onthou dat enige iemand ooit vir my gesê het wat hulle daar gemaak het nie. En toe kry ek vanoggend vroeg ‘n brief wat misteruees onder my deur ingeskuif is, met net my naam daarop. Ek sal later daaroor dink, maar vir eers . . . Ek wonder of daar genoeg chips en wyn is vir vannaand se ‘doe’ is. Ek het gesê ek wil nie ‘n party het nie, maar soos ek Lenè ken, gaan die hele wêreld seker weer hier opdaag. Sy het een of ander verrassing, of so sê sy. ‘Sug’, mens weet nooit met haar nie. Met ‘n glimlag onthou ek hoe sy laasjaar met ‘n baba katjie opgedaag het. “Ek het haar in die petshop gesien, en dadelik aan jou gedink”, met haar oogwinpers wat fladder en haar onderlip uitgestoot, het sy kompleet soos ‘n nar gelyk. Al mag ek nie diere in my woonstel aanhou nie, kon ek nie nee sê vir so nar gesig nie, en nog minder vir die bond, swart, wit en geel katjie nie. Sy het sommer gou in my hart ingekruip. Ek doop haar toe sommer dadelik Kitz. Ja, ek weet, nie baie oorspronklik nie, maar Lenè het so aangehou dat ek haar ‘n naam moet gee, dat ek die eerste ding wat in my kop ingepop het gesê, en toe stick die naam. Kitz skuur teen my been toe ek gou die yskas oopmaak om seker te maak daar is genoeg fingersnacks en wyn. Ek sal dit nooit hardop erken nie, maar ek sien nogal uit na vannaand. Wanneer laas het ek lekker gekuier? Lenè se skaterlag is aansteeklik. Sy het der ware haarself oortref met vannaand se party. Ek moes geweet het sy sal weet net wat om te doen om my beter te laat voel. En soos gewoonlik kan mens haar nuwe aanhangsel deur die oog van ‘n naald trek. Ek sweer sy behoort aan ‘n klub vir sexy, suksesvolle, single mans. Daar is hy alweer. Met sy donker oë wat elke nou en dan vir my loer. Dit moet een van Lenè se vriende wees, of dalk een van die sexy, suksesvolle, single mans in haar secret klub, giggle ek vir myself. Hy laat die hare op my hele lyf regop staan. Ek kyk net vir hom, dan flits daar erotiese prentjies deur my kop, wat my wange natuurlik bloedrooi laat. Wat gaan aan met my? Ek voel soos ‘n tiener. Dis nie asof ek nog nooit ‘n ou gehad het nie. In teen deel, ek het al ‘n paar verhoudings deur die jare gehad, ek het net nooit gevoel dat ek myself aan enige van hulle kan gee nie. Ek klou nog aan die sprokie wat my ma my vertel het toe ek sewe was. Ek weet ek sal nooit ‘n ruiter op ‘n wit perd kry nie, maar ek kan sekerlik myself spaar vir die regte ou. Of hoe? Hy beweeg tussen die mense deur, terwyl hy ietsie vir hierdie en dan daardie een sê. Die wyn in my hand gaan nou-nou begin borrel. Is dit warm hier binne, of wat? Ek voel soos ‘n gisel wat in die vlaktes deur ‘n leeu bekruip word. Met elke tree loer hy onder sy lang wavey swart hare wat tot net onder sy skouers val, vir my. My tong vee vinnig oor my lippe. Dit voel of sy oê my verorber. Sy lippe is so sensueel en ek begin wonder hoe hulle op my vel sal voel. “Nika! Daar is jy! Kom gou hier, ek wil jou aan iemand voorstel.” Met dit gesê, draai Lené na hom en hou haar hand na hom toe uit. My mond word droog en my hart spring ontstuimig rond. Hy stap stadig nader terwyl hy na my staar en my met sy oê uitdaag om nader te kom. Ek voel soos ‘n miggie in ‘n spinnekop se web, ek wil hardloop, maar ek kan nie wegkyk nie. My bene voel soos jellie, maar ek dwing hulle om te beweeg. Ek hoop nie hy kan die paniek op my gesig sien nie. “Nikita Pontius, dit is Matthew Bordeur, ‘n ou familie vriend. Ek weet sommer julle sal goeie vriende raak. Julle het so baie in gemeen.” Rammel Lenè af. Sy oê gly smeulend oor my liggaam, en ek voel hoe my wange warm word. Hy steek stadig sy hand na my toe uit, “So dis nou die pragtige Nikita Pontius waarvan Lenè nooit kan ophou praat nie”, sê hy in ‘n diep sexy stem. Sy duim streel oor my hand. “Um, noem my sommer Nika”, fluister ek skaam, terwyl ek my hand probeer terugkry. “Enjoy”, fluister Lenè saggies in my oor voordat sy vinnig wegdraai en ‘n geselsie met haar nuutste aanknoop. “Kan ek net sê, ek het nie verwag in my wildste drome dat jy beeldskoner kon wees as wat Lenè jou beskryf het nie”. Huh, wat het hy gesê? Ek het vir ‘n oomblik verlore geraak in daardie donker smeulende oë. O nee, nee, dit kannie! Ek het nog nooit so gevoel nie. Ek voel, . . . wild! My sintuie gaan wild tekeere, sy lyf so naby myne maak iets in my wakker. Ek kan hom ruik, manlik en musk. Ek wil net my vingers deur sy hare stoot en hom honger soen. Sy harde lyf teen myne voel en . . ., en wat, Nika? Word wakker, jy ken nie eers die man nie. Um, wat het hy nou weer gesê? Al wat ek kon doen is skaam glimlag en wegkyk. “Kom stap saam met my, dan kry ek vir ons ‘n drankie en leer mekaar beter ken”. Ek kon maar net gedwee agter hom aanloop. Ek het nie veel van ‘n keuse gehad nie, my hand was nog in syne. “O Nika! Die aand was ‘n groot sukses”, roep Lenè uit. “Ek sal more oggend kom help opruim, maar nou het ek eers ‘n afspraak met my kussing, ‘n glasie rooiwyn en my uber sexy ou”, sê sy stout en knik vir my oog. Almal het gegroet en my bedank vir die aand, met beste wense vir die toekoms. Toe ek die deur agter my toemaak en begin rondkyk na al die leë borde en bottles, val my oog op ‘n leer baatjie wat op my rusbank lê. Kitz is uitgestrek langs die vreemde baatjie. Wie s’n kan dit wees? Ag, never mind. Hulle sal dit wel kom haal as hulle dit vermis. Ek skop my skoene uit en loop na die kombuis om my glas te gaan bêre. Toe ek kop onderstebo om die draai loop, loop ek my vas teen Matthew. “Oe!” roep ek uit. “Askies, ek het nie geweet iemand is nog hier nie.” “Ek wou alleen vir jou totsiens sê”, murmer hy naby my oor. Alarm klokkies lui in my kop. Ek ken hom skaars, wat as hy iets doen. My hande voel klam. Ek vee stadig die stukkie hare uit my oë. Hy vat my hand weg en bly hou daaraan vas. Stadig loop hy verby my en trek my na die deur. Met die verbyloop streel hy oor Kitz se rug en raap die baatjie op. Hy hou stil voor die deur, draai om en buk stadig af. My hart gaan staan stil, of so voel dit. Ek maak my oë toe en vryf onwillekeurend my tong oor my lippe. “Dankie vir ‘n uitsonderlike aand. Ek hoop om jou weer te sien. Ek dink ons kan baie vir mekaar beteken”. Ek voel ‘n sagte soen op my wang en dan beweeg hy af na my lippe. Toe is hy weg. Ek staar na die toe deur en wonder of hy rerig daar was, maar die tingle op my lippe bevestig dit.


Your Father is with you

I know what you feel
I know your thoughts
I know the pain you carry with you
I know what's inside your heart
You feel lost
You carry the world on your shoulders
You feel that God has left your side
You feel God has never listened to you cry and scream
You feel that God has deserted you
You're wrong
God has never left your side
For He is your Father, and He will always watch over you
His hand will always rest on your shoulder
His mighty power and protection, will always be around you
And every tear that has fallen from your cheek, He has caught, and wiped away
God will never let any harm come to you, for He is your shield
God will give you the strenght to fight when needed, for He is your sword
He is waiting on your doorstep
He is waiting for you to let Him into your home
When you allow Him to walk into your life, He will also walk into your heart
The day when you decide to let Him enter, your troubles will vanish
Do not be afraid, for God your Father is with you